How Boundary Violations Can Lead to Strained Family Relationships

Family dynamics are complex even at the best of times, and when you’re in an emotionally difficult or fraught time, these dynamics become even harder to navigate. One common way that relationships fracture is a consistent need to overstep boundaries, showing that you do not respect a person’s autonomy or privacy.

Consider a story that recently went viral on the Internet: a woman withstood her mother-in-law’s jabs at her for years, including the times she said that the couple should not get married, should not have kids, or would be dead to her if they did anything she didn’t like. That wasn’t what caused the situation to boil over—it was when the woman’s husband went into the hospital for serious medical issues. The mother constantly went over his head to try to talk to doctors, ask for unnecessary tests, and hold the fact that she carried his health insurance over his head. The daughter-in-law finally had enough when the mother-in-law outright stated she did not care what her son wanted. The family was then seriously fractured, with minimal contact between the son and parents.

These situations are all too common, but they can be avoided with a little bit of emotional intelligence and a willingness to recognize where you may have gone wrong.

Boundary violations and the need for control

Boundary violations are extremely common in families, and many times, they happen just like they did in this story—with the parent ignoring the adult child’s boundaries. Parents of grown children may struggle to accept that their child is no longer an actual child and has the right to make their own decisions. This can lead to boundary stomping regarding the adult child’s parenting decisions, marriage, and choice of spouse, and privacy when it comes to sensitive matters.

When relatives ignore these boundaries, the adult child may feel disrespected and start losing trust in the parent. These infractions build up over time, causing more and more damage to family relationships.

In the story we discussed, the mother wasn’t just concerned for her son’s health. She wanted to make decisions regarding his care and who visited him.

Preexisting tensions and escalating conflict

When these conflicts erupt, it’s rarely solely because of the issue at hand. Consider, for example, a family with a similar setup where the mother-in-law dislikes the daughter-in-law and attempts to undercut her role in the family. Despite clear instructions from the daughter-in-law regarding the care of her new baby, the mother-in-law insists on feeding the baby sweets behind the mother’s back. When the daughter-in-law finds out, she explodes and bans them from seeing the baby ever again. It’s not just about the food—it’s about the years of disrespect that ultimately culminated in the in-laws putting the baby’s health at risk.

In the viral story from earlier, the wife’s anger wasn’t just about the hospital situation (although the hospital situation was enough on its own). It was also about the years of disrespect she and her husband had put up with from his mother and the stress it put on their marriage. It’s basically a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation.

The importance of spousal unity when it comes to boundary setting

In situations like these, spousal unity is the key to stopping boundary violations, setting healthy limits, and laying the groundwork for healthy familial relationships. Note that boundary setting doesn’t always fix the family relationship—if the person who violates those boundaries refuses to improve, it may be necessary to decrease or eliminate contact.

Spousal unity draws a clear line in the sand, asserting what couples will and won’t tolerate when it comes to their families. When one spouse goes behind the other’s back to blame fights on their partner or claim that their spouse is overdramatic, it weakens both the marital relationship and their relationship with the family members involved.

Consequences ranging from hurt feelings to legal conflicts

In the story we discussed, there were no children involved. But when children are involved, they often bear the brunt of the emotional fallout of these situations. They may be confused about tension between people they love, not understand why they go long periods of time without seeing certain family members, or become confused and feel unsafe if family members attempt to manipulate them.

Sometimes grandparents’ rights cases come from these scenarios. While many people who call a grandparents’ rights lawyer do so because they have a genuine interest in spending time with their grandchild, others do so because they want to see their grandchildren without respecting their adult child’s boundaries and rules. Not only does this cost a significant amount of money on both sides, but it also puts the child in the middle of a conflict that they should never have to be part of.

Handling these situations constructively

Consistency and firmness are essential to handling these situations. It’s not about being mean, just firm—being wishy-washy in your language or qualifying everything you say can make you seem uncertain about your boundaries and open the door for future violations. Family members asserting boundaries should also be ready to decrease contact if necessary. This is sometimes the only way to protect their family’s peace and lay the foundation for future healthier communication.

Exploring your options in the midst of family conflict

Family relationships are complicated, and misunderstandings can quickly become permanent divides. If you’re a grandparent working your way through one of these situations and you’re curious about your rights, let’s talk. Call Epperson Law Group, PLLC, or send us a message online to discuss your options.