What NOT to Do During a Divorce: Lessons from the Roast of Tom Brady

Once upon a time, Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen were the absolute “it” couple, and when news broke of their divorce, the shockwaves were felt around the world. Any divorce can be stressful and overwhelming, but in a high-net-worth, high-profile divorce like theirs, every single decision can have major implications for all parties involved.

In a recent podcast interview, Tom Brady noted that agreeing to participate in his viral Netflix roast was a “major f-ck up” that caused harm to his ex-wife and their children. Tom Brady’s reflection serves as a valuable reminder to anyone going through a divorce that badmouthing your former partner almost never yields any positive results. Here’s an attorney’s take on why all parties involved in a divorce should refrain from speaking negatively about their former spouse during and after a divorce case.

To vent or not to vent?

We get it–divorce is hard, and your ex probably drives you crazy. After all, you’re probably getting divorced for a reason! However, even if it’s tempting to vent your frustrations to anyone who will listen, engaging in negative talk about your ex during your divorce can easily cause more problems than it solves. While the end of a relationship is often emotional and vulnerable, it’s important to understand that divorce is a legal process with formal requirements and protocols that must be followed.

Badmouthing your former spouse does nothing to further the formal divorce process and can actually backfire in a few key ways:

• It can damage your credibility: If you come to the table in a divorce proceeding armed to the teeth with insults and vitriol, you may damage your credibility with the judge, giving you less leverage in negotiations for important matters like child custody agreements.
• It can cause long-term harm to children: When children are privy to a high-conflict divorce, they tend to experience more long-term adverse effects than children whose parents remained civil with one another. In fact, children of high-conflict divorces are more likely to develop mental health conditions and exhibit behavioral problems, making it crucial for parents to keep a lid on it when kids are involved.
• It can delay your emotional recovery: The more you lean into your resentment, the harder it will be to let it go. Luxuriating in your negative emotions might feel good or easy in the moment, but these feelings tend to fester and cause additional emotional distress down the line.

In short, badmouthing your ex often does more harm than good during and after divorce proceedings and can seriously stall your efforts to rebuild and renew after divorce. Heated conflicts and thoughtless comments alike can take a massive toll on your emotional well-being, as well as on the health and happiness of your children, friends, and loved ones.

But I’m no Tom Brady…

Netflix’s “Roast of Tom Brady” provided a worldwide platform from which participants could hurl insults not just at Brady but at his ex-wife and family. While we don’t all have that kind of global visibility, negative talk can still have major implications for the average, run-of-the-mill divorce.

One key way in which the Brady/Bündchen divorce differs from most divorces, however, is that Brady and Bündchen had nearly limitless resources at their disposal to help them speed through the settlement process. As a result, Brady’s ill-fated roast most likely caused personal problems rather than legal ones. But for clients without these kinds of resources, the legal consequences of thoughtless comments or emotionally-charged arguments can be devastating.

Even when clients have ample funds on hand, hostility and conflict can add additional layers of complexity to their high-net-worth divorce. That’s because these cases often involve complex asset divisions, high-stakes custody discussions, and even concerns about privacy or media involvement. High-profile clients are viewed under a microscope, and any behavior seen as retaliatory or inflammatory can come back to bite them in the end.

What to do instead

If you’re tempted to lash out at your ex during or after your divorce, you might want to consider these strategies instead: 

1. Treat all communication like business discussions: You wouldn’t fly off the handle and yell at a coworker, right? Then don’t do it with your ex or their representatives. Treat texts, emails, or face-to-face conversations like professional correspondence and try to keep the emotions on the back burner.
2. Trust your village: Rather than taking all your frustrations out on your ex, turn to the people you trust any time you start to feel overwhelmed. Friends, family, and mental health professionals are all here to help you and can provide the safe space you need to process your emotions without harming your case.
3. Let your attorney do the talking: As much as possible, you should try to let your lawyer do the heavy lifting, especially if you’re prone to losing your cool. Your lawyer’s job is to advocate for you in the most professional and legally efficacious way possible. Trust their judgment, take their advice, and let them step in when the temperature starts to rise.

Even if it sounds impossible, it’s vital that you try your best to stay civil and keep things professional during your divorce. It’s okay to feel your feelings, but you shouldn’t let them prevent you from conducting yourself appropriately and respectfully in front of judges, attorneys, or other professionals. Even your conduct outside of court can be used against you in negotiations and custody disputes, so it’s best to keep a healthy distance from potentially triggering people and scenarios – both physically and emotionally.

Final thoughts

We know it’s easier said than done, but staying cool, calm, and collected can go a long way during any divorce. You don’t want to put yourself in legal or financial jeopardy by “acting out” – particularly if you’re navigating a high net worth or high-profile divorce. Your behavior, demeanor, and communications can all factor into the court’s determinations, and the risks associated with badmouthing your ex often far outweigh the benefits.

At Epperson Law Group, PLLC, we understand how emotionally, mentally, and financially taxing high-conflict and high-net-worth divorces can be. That’s why we work so hard to advocate on our clients’ behalf while allowing them to keep a safe and healthy distance. If you going through a divorce in North Carolina, we’re here to help you keep your cool while fighting for your future.

Give us a call today or fill out our online contact form to schedule a consultation with a member of our team, and let’s discuss how we can help you make fewer ‘f-ck ups’ while fighting back.