Co-parenting Effectively After Divorce

A divorce may terminate your role as a spouse, but not your role as a parent. For that role, you are on the hook until your youngest child turns 18 (at least). Shared parenting responsibilities will maintain a link between you and your ex-spouse no matter how bitter your divorce may have been. Since good parenting is a cooperative venture, effective co-parenting is essential.

However, co-parenting isn’t always easy. Not only do you have to get along reasonably well with your ex-spouse, you have to do a job together—and you have to do it well.

The core principles of effective co-parenting

Following is a list of some of the most important principles of co-parenting, based on the experience of other divorced parents. It is not an exhaustive list.

Always put your children first

The “best interests of the child” is the number one principle of any family law issue involving children. It is also the number one principle of co-parenting. In practice, it means:

• Focusing on your children’s emotional well-being, stability, and needs (not necessarily wants)
• Refusing to discuss adult issues or conflicts in front of your children
• Shielding your children from conflicts with the other parent

Putting the children first doesn’t mean giving them everything they want, of course—chocolate brownies for breakfast isn’t in anyone’s best interests.

Keep your interactions civil

Agree with each other to keep your interactions civil even when you are angry or in the midst of a disagreement. Emphasize polite and civil discourse, even when disagreement exists. Avoid sarcasm, insults, or demeaning language, even when the children aren’t around.

Set clear boundaries

One oversight that may cause problems later on is neglecting to clearly discuss boundaries with each other. Discuss issues like parenting time and personal space right from the very beginning. If there are any festering sore points between you (and you should know about them if you’re already divorced) discuss how to avoid these issues. One rule you should definitely discuss with each other is to avoid using your children as messengers.

Emphasize communication

• Use indirect means such as email for important logistics and scheduling. This method documents what each parent actually said, and it reduces the likelihood of a heated emotional exchange.
• Use the “brief, informative, friendly, and firm (BIFF)” framework for communication. The BIFF framework is a strategy for responding to hostile or high-conflict communication by keeping replies concise, factual, respectful, and assertive to de-escalate conflict and maintain control of the dialogue.
• Practice active listening — don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Each parent needs to make a conscious effort to understand the other parent’s perspective, even if they don’t agree with it.
• Share regular updates about your children’s school, health, activities, etc. Neither one of you should feel “out of the loop.”

Practical strategies for day-to-day co-parenting

Take the following advice to heart.

Maximize consistency and routine

Children need consistency and routine, even when they complain about it. Take the following steps to provide your children with structure:

• Harmonize the rules of the household, at least to the extent possible. Each parent should enforce any discipline imposed by the other parent, to the extent that it is not abusive (“groundings” for example). Bedtimes should be the same at each household, except where one parent exercises physical custody only when school is not in session.
• Use digital calendars. Non-custodial parents often miss events and deadlines because they lack the reminders that the custodial parent receives. Use digital calendars (Google Calendar, for example) for school functions, extracurricular activities, appointments, and visitation.
• Transitions like pick-ups and drop-offs should be punctual, respectful, and conducted at neutral locations when possible to minimize tension. Keep interactions short and child-focused, avoiding arguments or emotional discussions in front of the children.

Flexibility and problem-solving

No matter how well you try to plan things out, surprises will occur, and you will need to handle them together with your co-parent.

• Discuss in advance how to handle last-minute changes, illnesses, or special events that don’t fit into your parenting schedule. Do not assume that everything will go smoothly.
• Work together to find mutually agreeable solutions rather than dictating terms. Compromise is essential for both of you.

Conflict management and resolution

A certain amount of conflict is virtually inevitable. If there was conflict during the marriage, there will be conflict after divorce. You can’t get rid of conflict, but you can do the following:

• Take a break when emotions get intense.
• Focus on finding solutions, not assigning blame. Redirect discussions towards resolving issues.
• Try mediation or counseling for festering disagreements.

Above all, don’t try to “win” at the expense of your co-parent. Nobody wins unless everybody wins.

North Carolina-specific considerations

No two state’s family laws are identical to any other, although the broad principles are similar. Here are some principles for dealing with the legal aspects of your co-parenting arrangement.

Understand your parenting plan

There are two ways to generate a parenting plan–a consent decree and a custody order. In a consent decree, the co-parents agree on a detailed parenting plan. The court reviews it and approves it unless it is illegal or not in the best interests of the children. The second type of parenting plan is the custody order. This is a parenting plan that the court imposes when the parents cannot agree. A consent decree is far preferable if you can manage it.

The different types of custody

North Carolina recognizes two types of custody—legal custody and physical custody. Typically, courts allow parents to share both types of custody.

• Legal custody means the authority to make decisions for the child—where they will go to school, consent to medical treatment, religious upbringing, etc.
• Physical custody means the actual physical location of the child. The child might live with one parent every other week, for example.

Just about any good parenting plan will include detailed visitation schedules (weekdays, weekends, holidays, summer), decision-making authority, expenses, communication methods, and dispute resolution.

The mediation requirement

When parents disagree on custody, North Carolina courts typically require custody mediation before they will schedule a trial. Mediation can break a deadlock because mediators are trained professionals who seek mutually beneficial arrangements. A mediator cannot impose a solution on you, only suggest one. The use of a mediator can greatly reduce conflict no matter what the result.

Modification of terms

You can ask the court to modify a custody order if there’s a “substantial change in circumstances.” This might happen if, say, one parent’s employer transfers them to another city. You will probably need a lawyer to successfully alter your parenting plan.

Let Epperson Law Group help you navigate the challenges of co-parenting

Epperson Law Group, PLLC is a Charlotte, NC family law firm with seven decades of combined experience under its belt. Our attorneys understand the complexities of co-parenting and work to achieve the best outcomes for you. Contact us today to discuss your co-parenting needs. We’re here to help you build a stable future for your family.